Fall Fun

I have decided that rather than just posting 'deep thoughts with Kristen'  which I often do I am going to blog more often.  Sometimes what you will find will be mundane but super cute (like pictures of my AWESOME kids), other times you will find me writing from the depths of my soul.

So for my first picture filled post I bring you fall fun!  We have chosen to participate in Halloween in a pretty limited fashion and are always seeking fun things to do in October... We have found Pigeon Roost.  It is a great little farm outside of Columbus that has all sorts of kids activities...In fact, it is my kids favorite place to go each fall!  So here are pictures of our day :)

They make me smile everyday!  So thankful for my little blessings!

Loss

On December 31, 2011 my dear friend delivered a full term beautiful baby girl.  She was perfect in every way.  She was absolutely amazing.  But she didn't get to come home with her mom and dad.  She never laughed at her big sister.  She was born into the arms of Jesus.

Norah forever changed my view on love and loss.  Although I had experienced 3 miscarriages, which were ABSOLUTELY devastating to me and my husband, for the first time I was seeing stillbirth from a personal perspective.  It was heartbreakingly beautiful.  I knew first hand that a mother's love has nothing to do with the location of the baby...whether the baby was here or in heaven.  I knew first hand that love breaks barriers and silence.  But watching Norah's family openly and honestly love her was amazing!  This beautiful baby girl began to help me break the silence of pregnancy and infant loss.

The truth is that one in four women experiences pregnancy and/or infant loss.  Some professionals believe this is a low number and the number may actually be higher when you account for women who miscarry prior to seeing a physician and never report the loss.  Regardless, at least 25% of women have experienced loss.  Many of them won't talk about it.  Many of them are afraid to grieve openly.

Grieving openly is risky.  It allows for others to speak out loudly about their opinion on what and how you should be feeling.  But grief is unpredictable.  It comes in waves and never completely goes away.  It changes as we change and it grows and adapts with us.  No two people grieve in the same way.  But we all grieve and should be allowed to grieve.  

For some mothers grieving comes in the form of tangible reminders of the baby that was and is.  For others who never held or saw their baby it comes in other ways.  For me, grieving was naming my babies even though I didn't know for sure their gender.  It is telling my children that they have 3 siblings waiting in heaven.  It is looking toward heaven as seeing Jesus and holding these precious babies that He gave me for the very first time.  For me grieving in breaking the silence!

I have four daughters.  When I look at them I know that at least one of them will experience pregnancy or infant loss.  I know that I will have to walk with them down that weary and heartbreaking road.  I know that their journey will be different than mine.  But I also know that because I have been open with them, because at the tender ages of 3, 4, 5, and 8 they know that I have experienced loss, when the day comes they will have someone to rely on.  They won't have to be silent.  

The truth is I'm breaking my silence so others won't feel the need to be silent.  When we grieve in silence it is so hard for the church to surround us.  But it is hard to let the church surround us if we don't know that there are others.  If I don't break the silence there will be another woman who grieves alone.  And I refuse to continue to be a part of the culture of silence!

My friends, if you've experienced loss it is never to late to break the silence.  It is never too late to stand and say, 'me too'!  Speak so those around you no longer fear.  Let others know they aren't alone!

Kristen

Dear Miley,

You have never met me.  And honestly, you probably never will.  Several years ago I watched you on Disney Channel with my little girl.  We loved Hannah Montana.  We watched it as a family.  We loved to see you on tv.  We loved what you stood for in life.  I liked knowing that you were working with your dad.  At the time it appeared you would survive childhood stardom unscathed.  

Sadly, I was wrong.  Apparently you didn't survive and thrive.  You gave in to the inordinate amount of pressure that the spotlight brings.  As I see it, you have fallen to nearly the bottom.  Maybe you are about to hit rock bottom.  I don't know.  But there are some things I do know.

Miley, I'm sorry that when you were that 'good girl'  I didn't pray for you.  It didn't matter that you were a good influence with seemingly good parents.  What mattered was that because you were a good role model you were going to be under more attack, under more pressure than the others in the spotlight.  I'm sorry that it took the decisions you are making now to send me a wake up call.  I'm sorry that when you look in the mirror you don't see someone who is abundantly loved by JESUS!  I'm sorry you don't see your beauty.

If your goal was to gain attention, you have accomplished that.  If your goal was to gain respect...as a whole, you have lost that from most of the people I know.  But I also believe you can change.  You can become a good role model again.  You can show people the saving grace and mercy of Jesus.  I believe you don't want to go back to being Hannah Montana.  I can understand that.  I'm thankful I don't have to be the person I was in my teens.  But you can go back to being a good role model for women everywhere.  You could revolutionize pop culture like you revolutionized Disney Channel sitcoms.

So here is my promise, I promise to pray for you.  I don''t even believe you will ever see this.  But I still promise.  I will pray for your parents.  I will pray that God sends people into your life that show you the way to Jesus.  I will pray you become a good role model again.  I will ask others to pray for you too.  Because even though I don't know you my heart aches for you.  I know you must be hurting about something to act the way you have been.  So I will simply pray.

Kristen

(Side note to my friends who are moms:  I know this may seem out there but honestly Miley could be any one of our adult children.  We would want everyone who interacted with them to pray for them.  To be Jesus to them.  I have never prayed for a celebrity before this but I am truly praying.  Please pray with me.  This girl who was given her name because she lights up a room when she smiles could dynamically change the world for Jesus.  Or she could continue down this path and draw others with her to Satan.)

The 10th Commandment

When we read the 10 commandments and teach them to our children I think we sometimes overlook number 10.  I am so very guilty of number 10.  I look around and see so many things I want to have, that I wish I had, that I wonder why God won't give me. Sometimes they are literally things and sometimes they are circumstances but regardless, I am coveting.

This conviction has been ever present lately.  It is present when I long to be closer to my family and am envious of my siblings that do live closer.  It is present when I hear of others getting a raise.  It is present when I hear of or even see women who are expecting a new baby (yes, I know I have 5...I just wish I could have more).  It is PRESENT...

And yet, and yet God is calling me to something greater than covetousness.  He is calling me into contentment. 

 Philippians 4:11 
"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content" 


Hebrews 13:5
"Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

1 Timothy 6:6-8
"But godliness with contentment is great gain for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content."

I desire to be content.  Even more than I desire contentment I desire JESUS.  I want more of HIM.  I believe that covetousness is just a symptom of needing more of Jesus.  When my eyes lose sight of Him they focus on things.  Covetousness is a reminder to refocus, to realign.  It is a reminder to pick of my Bible and talk to my Savior, to my best friend.  

I wish it were that simple.  I wish I had this one figured out, conquered.  But then I wouldn't need grace, and I wouldn't need forgiveness.  But I do need grace and I do need forgiveness.  I serve this amazing God who loves me even when...and yet He is calling me to be better.  To be more like Him.  To be able to say, "No, I don't have it all, I have JESUS and He is better than anything this world could offer.  He is better than a house in Indiana, better than an increase in income, better than a 6th child.  He is the Best this world has to offer."

Dreaming...

I spent the majority of last school year studying Genesis.  I really love the book of Genesis.  It is a book of beginning but it is also a book of dreams.  I was especially moved by the stories of Joseph. (Genesis ch 37-50) You see Joseph was a dreamer.  I remember singing the story of Joseph's life when I was in the youth group.  I loved those songs!  They were inspiring and humbling all at the same time.  Joseph's story is one of God's mighty power...that power moving when Joseph couldn't see it.  Moving when Jacob thought his child long dead.  Moving when his brothers were drowning in guilt.  

Dreaming means taking risk.  It means laying yourself on the line.  It means accepting that your dreams may NEVER become a reality.  Trusting in the God that gave you the dream seems near impossible at times.  Dreaming drives us either to desperation or to desperately cry out to HIM.  Dreaming should bring us to our knees in ways we are incapable of comprehending until we are there.  Until we are seeking HIM in a brand new way.

The greatest risk in dreaming isn't that our dreams won't come true.  The greatest risk is that we will dream outside of God's will.  It is that we hold so tightly to our man made dreams that we lose what God has planned.  You see God's plans are O SO MUCH BETTER than ours!

I can't imagine how Joseph felt in the dungeon.  Held captive in a foreign land by men who loathed his people.  And yet he was still a dreamer.  He was still faithful to the dream God gave him many years prior to his imprisonment.  Moreover, he held onto the GOD who gave him the dream.  Even when the dream seemed to have little chance of coming true.

Today, I'm dreaming.  And I'm also grieving what appears to be the loss of a dream.  Honestly what the dream was matters little.  What does matter is that GOD is bigger than my dreams.  What matters is that GOD gave me this dream..I know because others have confirmed this in my life.  What matters is that GOD is always faithful, and He is always good!  Even when our dreams seem shattered.  

So what are you dreaming today?  Is it the stuff of God?  You see, dreams are miracles in the making!  If you can achieve your dream on your own it isn't really a dream, it is merely a goal.  Today I want to dream big!  I want to dream bigger than the dream that was lost.  I want to dream what GOD wants.  I want a front row seat to a miracle.  To the miracle God is preparing in my life, in my family.  Today I am trying to accept that Joseph waited years for his dream to come true, he waited years for God to perform that specific miracle in his life.  Today I am trying to wait.  

"Wait on the Lord. Serving Him gladly. Hold to the truth He has placed in you.  And wait on the Lord. Patiently wait on the Lord" (Travis Cottrell and Kathie Hill from the musical 'Waiters').  So today, friends, I challenge you to wait.  But while you are waiting dare to dream.  For out of your dreams may come the greatest miracle you will ever see!  You just might get a front row seat!

E is 3!!!!!!!!

My sweet baby girl turned 3 last week.  She is all smiles and sunshine.  She is sweet and spirited.  She is my first child that has always had a stay-at-home mom.  She is my sidekick most days.  She never ventures far from where I am...and I love that!  I am so thankful for the blessing God bestowed upon me the day she was born.  I am thankful God healed her and allowed her to endure the NICU unscathed.  

E LOVES owls!  She giggles anytime she sees them and so for her birthday I planned an owl cake.Inspired by  this cake I found on pinterest I set out to make a cake that was friendly to our dietary needs.  While they aren't as strict as many families we can have NO artificial dyes.  I also limit preservatives as much as possible to keep a happy, healthy house!  This means that I now make all of our birthday cakes from scratch because all boxed mixes have preservatives and it's nearly impossible to come by dye free frosting.

So, after a year of experimentation I have finally successfully made pink and purple frosting!!!!!  I also made a light yellow but it is really hard to tell in the pictures.  Freeze dried fruit is the best thing EVER!!!! 

To make the pink frosting I used this recipe except I used milk instead of heavy cream.  To make the purple icing I used freeze dried blueberries instead of strawberries.  I also made light yellow icing from freeze dried mangoes and used that as the eyes (with a chocolate chip stuck in the middle).  The beak is a piece of freeze dried mango and the wings are all natural chocolate cookies! (Here's my shout out to Trader Joe's...if we ever live far from Trader Joe's I will be a sad mama).  The cupcakes looked good but they tasted amazing too! 

Making cupcakes from scratch without artificial ingredients is a reminder to me that all things are possible if we are committed to it!  Now I just have to figure out how to make blue and green icing!

To end this post: some pics of my birthday girl and her siblings!

Misery and Goodness

Last night a song was played at the end of church by "We As Human".  One of the lines of the chorus stated., "We're comfortably miserable."  This has been rattling around in my brain for the last 24 hours.  I don't want to be comfortably miserable.

What I mean is this...Am I so comfortable in my misery that I am looking for ways to BE miserable.  If God answered each of my prayers and took away the things that made me miserable would I still find something to be miserable about?

God is good!  His WORD proves it.  He answers prayers!  His WORD proves it!  And yet I wallow in my misery some days.  I think, "if only...".  And yet His goodness doesn't change.  Psalm 68:10 states, "in your goodness, O God, you provided for the needy."  Hebrews 6:5 talks of tasting the goodness of God.  He IS inherently good!  And yet...

Why am I so content to be comfortably miserable?  What is comfortable about misery?  I believe the answer lies in my inconsistency of seeking the holiness of God.  Seeking His face and plan for my life.  In misery we get to identify with the world.  Yet we are called to be separate from the world.  In being separate we have to choose to be content and not miserable.  We have to rest in HIS abundant goodness.  I am so very thankful that God's goodness isn't dependent on me.  If I could remember that maybe I would break out of the tendency to be miserable.